Being a Stepparent Is Never Easy

About 80% of divorced Americans under age 45 remarry within three or four years starry eyed at the prospect of making a new start. When children are involved, as they usually are, the honeymoon frequently comes to a crashing halt.

Some writers use the term “step wars” to describe what goes on in stepfamilies; others speak of “shuttle diplomacy.” While the stepfamily is very common, rapidly becoming the dominant family form in American culture, and offers many positive elements, it’s also very fragile.

The biggest problem, more readily seen by outsiders than those involved, is that biological parents have a bond with their children that the stepparent does not have. The birth of a child is a powerful event; the relationship that develops, for both parent and child, is a source of pride, self-esteem, security and love. While a marriage may disintegrate, the bond between parent and child endures. And it includes experiences and feelings that the stepparent does not share and may not fully understand.

Even to an infant, a stepparent is a stranger, to be accepted gradually and with caution. For older children, there are also issues of divided loyalties that make the task even more difficult.

Because of their love for each other and their enthusiasm about starting a new life, newly remarried couples nearly always underestimate how difficult it will be to work through such problems and establish meaningful stepfamily relationships.

Who Is In Charge Here?

With no children of her own, Gretchen was at a disadvantage when she married John, a man seven years older than her and with joint custody of his three-year-old son.

As with many couples, discipline quickly became a major issue. Her stepson’s behavior was often more than she could handle, and John did very little to exert control.

Over the first year, the situation became steadily worse, sending the couple to a counselor who suggested that became steadily worse, sending the couple to a counselor who suggested that John take more responsibility for discipline and helped the two work out mutually satisfactory guidelines.

According to John S Visher, M.D., and Emily B. Visher, Ph.D., counselors, authors and founders of the Stepfamily Association of America: “All the best research suggests that stepparents repeat the pattern of first marriage families nurturance before discipline. The cooperation of the remarried parent is essential.”

At first, Gretchen’s role was primarily to support John’s actions; as she developed a closer relationship with her stepson, the balance of power shifted toward more equality between the adults.

Make Room For Me

In the years that they had lived alone together, John and his son had also developed a very close relationship, and Gretchen was excluded from their games and rituals. When they played together, she often felt painfully alienated and alone.

As a young newly wed, she wanted some intimate times alone with her husband, but anything that strengthened the marital bond tended to make the stepson feel jealous and left out.

As for John, he felt hopelessly torn between love for his wife and worry that he might be neglecting his son.

Who was right? All three, of course. Children need to hang on to special rituals with their biological parents, and they need to build new traditions that are unique to the stepfamily. It’s also important that the child spend some time alone with the stepparent to establish a relationship.

Every gesture, every nuance offers a potential challenge to a stepfamily, but if problems are successfully resolved, everyone wins in the end. As the Vishers point out: “Conditions may improve when remarried parents acknowledge the influence of their own earlier family experiences and understand their children’s need for security. Although it may seem that the children are trying to pull the couple apart, they have an underlying need to sense that the new family will not break up as the old one did.”

Even if a stepchild gets less attention than he had in his biological family, he benefits by becoming more independent and resourceful. He later may be grateful for having been given a model of a loving marital relationship.

Drawing Battle Lines

If both parents bring children into the mix, as Pete and Anne did, the situation becomes even more complex. Although they understood what the other was going through, they were no less overwhelmed by the enormity of their task.

Whenever a stepfamily involves adolescents, adjustments are particularly difficult. Some teens remain hostile to their stepparents often spurred on by the animosity of the other biological parent.

For Anne’s son and Pete’s daughters, it was total was. They eventually set up their own territories within the household and often went weeks without speaking to each other.

“When stepfamily conflicts grow too difficult to handle at home, counseling or psychotherapy can help,” writes Christopher J. Pino in the Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter. “Family agreements were reached that transformed the step wars into successful step treaties.”

The ideal, according to most counselors, is a coalition between parents and stepparents in both households. Even if ex-wives and ex-husbands do not like each other, they can show respect and work out arrangements that serve the best interests of their children.

At the bare minimum, ex-spouses need to spend time on the phone discussing parenting decisions. In some cases, parents and stepparents get together to attend school functions or soccer matches. Regardless of age, children are quick to pick up on parental cooperation as well as hostility.

More Problems, More Successes

Even with the best of efforts, children in stepfamilies often experience difficulties. An important long-term study conducted by Mavis Hetherington, PhD, at the University of Virginia found that 20% of post-divorce children (compared to 10% of children in first marriage families) suffered from depression, conduct disorders, lower academic performance and delinquency. Seen from another perspective, 80 % of children of remarriage do not have significant behavior problems, despite an environment cluttered with obstacles.

In an article in the Journal of Family Psychology (June, 1993), Dr Hetherington and James Bray, PhD, pointed out: “Although divorce and remarriage may confront families with stresses and adaptive challenges, they also offer opportunities for personal growth and more harmonious, fulfilling family and personal relations.”

Most Problems Occur During First 5 Years

Of remarriages among women under age 40, 62% end in divorce. This exceeds the 50% divorce rate in first marriages and most authorities attribute it to stepfamily problems.

Most of the problems occur during the first few years, however. After five years, remarriages are more stable than first marriages. (Source: “Shuttle Diplomacy,” Psychology Today, July/August, 1993)

Children Hurt More by Conflict Than Divorce

Children of divorce are more likely than other children to have emotional and behavior problems, but a review of two large-scale studies determined that the problems are likely to start before rather than after the marital breakup.

The National Child Development survey of children born in Great Britain during the first week of March, 1958 found that subjects whose parents were divorced or separated had lower test scores and more behavior problems than other children, even after adjusting for social class and race. The problems, however, were similar to those found four years earlier, before the marital breakup.

The United States National Survey of Children, started in 1976, also found more behavior problems among children of divorce but no more problems than these families had reported before the divorce. In fact, girls had a lower incidence of problems after the divorce than before. (Source: Andrew J. Cherlin, Frank F Furstenberg, Jr, P Lindsey Chase-Lansdale, et al, “Longitudinal Studies of Effects of Divorce on Children in Great Britain and the United States,” Science, June 7, 1991)

Stepfamilies Don’t Have To Love Each Other

Parents have a bond with their children, but the stepfamily arrangement brings together strangers.

Stepparents should not be expected to love a spouse’s children; nor should children be required to love a stepparent. The most that can be demanded from all involved is mutual respect, although mutual bonds usually develop if given time. (Source: Virginia Rutter, “Lessons from Stepfamilies,” Psychology Today, May/June 1994)

Alternative Roles

Particularly when adolescent children are involved, a stepparent may assume an alternative role as a mentor, for example, or an uncle or an aunt. An aunt may offer guidance, acceptance, honesty and support without requiring the loyalty expected of a parent. (Source: Barry Dyn, PhD, cited in Virginia Rutter, “Lessons from Stepfamilies,” Psychology Today, May/June, 1994)

Finding a Counselor

Stepfamilies in turmoil should seek help early rather than late. In seeking a family therapist, look for one with experience working with blended families.

Compile a list of possible candidates.
Make a brief inquiry by phone
Narrow the list.
Meet with the top two or three candidates to determine who is best suited to meet your family’s needs.

(Source: Heather Millar, “Finding the Right Family Counselor,” Parenting, November, 1996)

It’s More Difficult To Be A Stepparent

Raising a stepchild is more difficult than raising a biological child, but no less satisfying, according to a study of 139 stepparents. Most reported, however, that they had a predisposition toward the first biological child.

Some stepfathers said they found less satisfaction from being a stepparent after the birth of a first biological child. Other studies have shown this predisposition toward the first biological child in mothers. When both spouses had children from a previous marriage, they reported no change in satisfaction after the birth of the first child from their marriage.

Both stepmothers and stepfathers said that the task of being a stepparent was more time consuming and required greater efforts of discipline. (Source: William MacDonald and Alfred DeMaris, “Parenting Stepchildren and Biological Children: The Effects of Stepparents’ Gender and New Biological Children,” Family Issues, 17 (1): 15-25, 1996, reported in the Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter, May, 1996)

Parents More Likely to Remarry

Among divorcees, those with children are most likely to remarry. Three of four divorced women and four of five men under age 45 get married again with in three to four years. (Source: Clinical Reference Systems, “Stepparenting or Blended Families,” December, 1994)

References:

Andrew J Cherlin, et al, “Longitudinal Studies of Effects of Divorce on Children in Great Britain and the United States,” Science, June 7, 1991 (cited in Harvard Mental Health Letter, February, 1992.
Clinical Reference Systems, “Stepparenting or Blended Families, December, 1994
“First Biological Child Changes Outlook of Stepparents,” The Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter, May, 1996
Roberta Israeloff, “Step by Step: The Sometimes Rocky Road to Building a Solid Step Family,” Parents Magazine, August. 1996
Christopher J. Pino, “You Can end the Step Wars With Peaceful Step Treaties,” The Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter, February. 1994
Virginia Rutter, “Lessons from Stepfamilies” Psychology Today, May/June, 1994
“Shuttle Diplomacy,” Psychology Today, July/August, 1993
John S Visher, MD, and Emily B Visher, PhD, “Parenting in Stepfamilies,” Harvard Mental Health Letter, January, 1992.

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